Of Crystal and Rock
by kogasgal27
Summary: So this is after season four finished, but without the wedding at the end. It's going to be a MerlinxArthur story and it will contain what I'm sure you've all been waiting for, for four seasons like I have, Arthur finally finding out about his best friend and manservant's magic. But of course an adventure has to go along with the confession.
1. Nightly Splendor

So this is after season four finished, but without the wedding at the end. It's going to be a MerlinxArthur story and it will contain what I'm sure you've all been waiting for, for four seasons like I have, Arthur finally finding out about his best friend and manservant's magic. But of course an adventure has to go along with the confession. I hope you leave a review and enjoy!

Of Crystal and Rock

Nightly Splendor

Isolde's funeral was held on a bleak day, corresponding with the manner in which she was killed. Tristan was in the front with Arthur and most of the other knights. I hung towards the back with Gaius. I couldn't help but have this guilty feeling like there was something more I could have done; anything to prevent the woman's untimely death. Arthur had taken it particularly hard, since it was his life she had sacrificed hers for. Tristan moved forward and dropped a bouquet of yellow and purple flowers on the dirt. Gwen came up beside me and squeezed my arm tightly, surprising me from my revere. After that everyone started to disperse around the grounds. I had this same piercing sensation, like I had somehow failed and couldn't recover, when Morgana had shown her true colors and betrayed Arthur. I don't know why I made a connection between Isolde's funeral and her disappearance, but this unnerved me. Maybe it was the fact that she had gotten away and we didn't know where she was or what her next move would be. Leon started away first, followed by Percival and Elyan. I watched Gwaine touch Arthur's shoulder and Tristan's before he turned away. We made eye contact for a moment and I nodded, Gwaine nodded slightly and went on his way with the rest of the knights. Arthur started to speak to Tristan but the older man just shook his head and Arthur turned away. He glanced around, I don't know if he was looking for me or not but when our eyes met I followed after him without a moments hesitation. I knew a grieving Arthur when I saw him.

When we made it back to his chambers he turned on me without preamble, "Why does it seem that people always die for me?"

"Arthur, people die because its there time…"

I start to say but he cuts me off before I can finish the sentence, "That's not what I meant! I couldn't save my father, Morgana betrayed me, Agravaine betrayed me and has died," that name made me wince as the memories in the cave at Ealdor came back to me. Not one of my proudest moments, but Arthur continued on, "Lancelot gave his life for me and now Isolde. Not even to mention countless knights who have laid down their lives for me in the past."

"You are worth protecting Arthur, don't you see that?"

I wish there was more I could say. I wish there was another way for me to prove it to him, but I was drawing blanks. All the magic in the world couldn't help me now. He turned his grey-blue eyes on me and I could feel my resolve melting. We had been friends for five years and still I couldn't tell him my secret. I had tried my very hardest in the woods to show him that he was the true king, the ruler to unite all of Albion. If he could not see what he meant to this land after getting Excalibur, what more could I possibly do for him?

I said nothing else.

I could feel Arthur's eyes on me as I went around his chambers, tidying up papers, picking up stray clothing, and moving chairs to their rightful places.

"Thank you Merlin."

I smiled one of my eye creasing smiles, "It was nothing, Sire. Just my regular duties."

"No I mean, thank you for always being there. I'm glad I can count on you."

"You can always count on me."

Arthur nodded, and then grinned mischievously at me, "Yes I'm glad I can always count on you to muck out my horse stalls, launder my clothes, and polish my armor."

I shook my head and turned to leave. Glancing once more over my shoulder, I saw Arthur give me a small smile and I left with that sight pressed into my vision.

"Merlin!"

I blink a few times before my eyes settle on Gaius' face. His white hair is flatter than it usually is and he has his famous brow raised. I wonder if I have done something… again, "Yes?"

"I asked how Arthur was doing."

"Oh! He's alright Gaius. He seems a bit upset but that is to be expected. Tristan and Isolde offered to fight with us and in the end he couldn't protect them both."

"Yes, it was very sad," Gaius drawled in his deep voice.

I wished him goodnight, changed my clothes, and crawled into bed. I buried my face in my pillow. Although I felt exhausted I found myself unable to fall asleep. Wriggling this way and that, tossing and turning, then I ultimately threw the covers back and growled in frustration. Something was hammering at the back of my mind like a warning but I couldn't figure it out. My instincts had never failed me before and I was sure it wasn't going to happen now, but still answers evaded me.

Finally giving up the undefeatable task of falling asleep, I got up and made my way to the armory. If I couldn't sleep, I might as well start doing some of my chores so when Arthur called me a lazy dollop-head, I would at least have some way of defending myself.

"I wonder what Arthur would say if he saw me cleaning his armor in the middle of the night," I murmur to myself penitently.

"He would definitely call you a dollop-head."

I jump up in surprise by getting an answer when I wasn't expecting one, just as the armor clanks loudly to the ground.

Arthur strolled in and picked up the armor where it had fallen, "Well that needs to be repolished now."

"What are you doing here, Arthur?"

"I was looking for my sword."

I tilt my head to the side slightly, I'm pretty sure I left it in his chambers.

Then he rolls his eyes at me fondly, "I couldn't sleep. I really don't know what I was doing but I heard noise in here and you mumbling to yourself on the ground."

"I was not mumbling to myself," I remark affronted.

"What are _you_ doing here, Merlin?"

"I couldn't sleep either."

We regarded each other for a few moments. It wasn't often he wasn't remarking some joke or the other and it wasn't often that I had no comeback for him (or that I wasn't doing something absolutely goofy, in the process making my self look a total fool).

"Merlin, do you remember the first time we met?"

"How could I forget? You were a huge pratt!"

He narrowed his eyes at me and for a moment I thought he was going to be angry but then he continued, "Yes you just didn't realize I was a royal one!"

I laugh slightly and smile at him reciting my line back to me. Since I had given Arthur the sword something had changed. I don't know exactly what but when he gave me looks they lasted longer and I felt he was appraising me differently. It's hard to describe and I don't even know if it's really happening or if my imagination is taking over, but I have that feeling now. The way Arthur's eyes are bearing into mine, I don't know how to react or what he expects from me. It makes me nervous, but it also makes me… excited, and that makes me unsure.

"Gwen… she hurt me."

I blink at the rapid topic change, were we not just having a moment reminiscing? But nonetheless I clear my throat and agree, "I know she did Arthur."

"And I can't forgive her."

For the longest time I had been comforting Arthur. Telling him his heart would mend and he would forgive her, that she would come back to him in his time of need and she had. Then they could get back together and live happily ever after and I would be happy for him. This was the first time that all those feelings inside me felt wrong. I love Gwen, she is my friend. But for the first time I realized deep down I didn't want Arthur to forgive her. I wanted him to put his faith and love and everything else in someone else. Now I see that the person I hope he ends up with is someone I would have never expected. I want him to be with me. I love him. I've always loved him. As a friend, as a king, and now I see as so much more than that.

"I said that there was something about you Merlin, that I would figure it out."

I lick my lips. He can't mean the magic, can he? I've done nothing suspicious with it lately. What is it that he has figured out about me? My mouth is unexpectedly dry now. I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say. I have never felt like this before. It's exciting and intimidating.

"And have you?" it comes out as a breathy whisper, not what I meant at all. My eyes flick up towards his. Why do I feel like I'm acting like a blushing maiden? Probably because I am.

There are probably about ten different responses I was expecting from him, but what he did was definitely not one of them. Before I can even register what happened his lips are pressed against mine. I've seen Arthur kiss Gwen before, all sweet and chastise and that's exactly how he is. He's not demanding, he's not domineering, and it's not enough. My hands move of their own accord, I swear to it, they wrap around Arthur's neck bringing him closer to me. Apparently that was all the permission he needs because I'm thrust against the armory wall with Arthur's hand pressing painfully and deliciously into the skin of my hip. I part my lips and he slips his tongue into my mouth. I move my tongue along his and although this is practically my first kiss it seems I do know what I'm doing. We slide a bit to the left, both of us bump into the table and Arthur's helmet clatters to the ground. The sound is so loud in the silence of the night that we jump apart and stare at each other wide eyed like neither of us knows what happened. Perhaps neither of us do know what happened right there. I watch Arthur bring the back of his hand to his mouth, I think in a gesture to see if what we did really occurred.

"We… we both need to get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning," Arthur says and then is out the archway before I can utter a response.

What the hell just happened? What the hell was I thinking? What were we thinking? My mind is a jumble of confusion. I can't decide if I am pleased or mortified by my actions. Arthur is my friend; he is my king for goodness sakes. I make it back to my room in a daze. I don't remember how I got there or when I feel asleep but I realize I am asleep when this vivid dream assaults me.

I am running through the forest. I don't know what time it is, but it's almost dark so it must be around dusk. The trees and shrubbery shoot past my eyes as I continue on my journey. Am I running from something or to something? I do not know. It feels like I have been running for such a long time when finally I stop. I put my hands on my knees and take deep cleansing breaths to regain my energy. I'm in a small clearing with the forest still surrounding me on all sides.

Suddenly an ominous feeling invades my mind as a dark shadow appears above me. For a moment I think it is Kilgharrah and the tension leaves me, but then I see it is much too small. It is Aithusa! He flies down and lands in the clearing with me. We stare at each other and I am so pleased to see him thriving. Then Morgana walks from the trees.

"What is a lowly servant doing in this place?"

Morgana still doesn't know about my magic, I realize suddenly. After all the times I used it to thwart her plans I can't believe she still hasn't figured it out. I think perhaps now nothing worse can happen but then someone else comes out of the trees. He is tall and rather gangly though he probably isn't more than sixteen or so. He has dark hair and the most piercing blue eyes I have ever seen. Eyes I realize that I have seen before.

"Give up Merlin, you can't possibly hold your own against the three of us."

My voice evades me. I can't win against them and I know it.

Morgana thrusts her hand out as her irises glow a molten gold and I have just enough time to parry the attack by getting my own hand up.

She looks up at me in surprise, "So you have magic Merlin? You, the person closest to the king, have been deceiving him for the longest time."

I sputter and jolt awake in a cold sweat. I glance out my small window and see the moon still out. I couldn't have been asleep for very long but then why does it feel like I have been walking for miles on days end. I am more exhausted than I have been in a long time. I am not timid or easily frightened, I am a strong warlock with strong magical abilities but this dream has me shaken.

Why I am so shaken, I know can be one of two reasons. Or probably both I realize belatedly. Something foreboding was shown in my dream having to do with Morgana, Aithusa, and that young man. And the other, which is hard to think about but too true for words, I am probably Arthur's closest friend yet I deceive him on a daily basis. I've always realized that I do this but now it seems so much more deceitful then I remember. I am torn between telling him my secret and continuing to hide it more than ever.

When the sun came out I do not know, but I hear Gaius in the other room starting on his morning tonics. It is time for me to go face Arthur. I get up, get dressed, and splash water on my face.

"Good morning Merlin."

"Morning Gaius," it definitely hasn't been a good morning. I grab my brown jacket and shrug it on heading towards the door.

"Don't you want some breakfast?" Gaius calls.

My stomach is definitely in too many knots to eat right now, "Not hungry."

I walk off towards the kitchen and fetch Arthur's breakfast. When I get to his door I take a deep breath. Arthur is still in bed with the covers wrapped around him. I go to the blinds and fling them open, "Morning Arthur its time to get up!"

Arthur rolls away from the light and totally ignores me. I set his breakfast on the table and go to get his clothing for the day. By that time Arthur has meagerly gotten out of bed and is wiping a hand across his face, I have done most of my work. We go about our morning routine in relative silence, something uncommon for us. I am lost in thoughts of my dream and Arthur probably about yesterday's events.

"Merlin, are you angry?"

I turn to face him, confusion evident on my face, "Angry? Why would I be angry?"

He coughs and clears his throat, "You're unusually quiet. I thought perhaps last night bothered you."

Last night? He can't possibly know about my dream so why would he... suddenly last night comes flooding back into my mind. The smell of polished metal, intense eyes, soft lips, and bodies pressed together, oh yes a warm body pressed to mine. I probably blush so dramatically, as I feel my face heating up noticeably. With that terrible dream, last night's actions had totally slipped my mind, though I don't know how.

I realize Arthur is still waiting for an answer, "No I'm not angry. Why would I be?"

He breathes a sigh of relief, "Well that's good to hear. So nothing's bothering you then?"

For a split second those thoughts I have sometimes about confessing to my magical abilities bubbles up in my throat. If we were to be together he needs to know, but then realization hits and I know we would never be together if he knew. I probably wouldn't even live long enough to think about the consequences if I told so I swallow the words back down and smile.

"No nothing's bothering me."

He nods, gets up, and leaves to go to court and listen to the problems of the day and speeches and anything else that needs his attention since we've come back to Camelot. And I am left standing here with thoughts in my head unanswered, words on my lips unsaid, and clothes in my arms unwashed.


	2. Sparring

Of Crystal and Rock

Sparring

With my chores pretty much done, I amble back to Gaius' chambers. He is back from his morning rounds and looks up as I enter.

"What are you doing here?"

"I didn't feel like listening to everything going on in court today."

"Is something bothering you, Merlin?" Gaius asks as he hands me some bread and cheese.

I wave the offer of food away. Is it so obvious that something is bothering me? I'm really good at keeping secrets, my magic is enough proof but today I can't get away with anything. I wonder how I can explain my dilemma to my master without giving too much information away.

"Well I had this dream last night."

"What happened in the dream," he questions, his curiosity obviously peaked.

"I was running in the woods and came face to face with Morgana. She found out about my magic and called me deceitful," I glance up at Gaius to see his reaction but he seems unphased by this revelation.

"Merlin I know you want to be honest with Arthur but sometimes we keep secrets from people to protect them. When the time is right, he'll find out. Don't let it get you down; it was just a dream after all."

I know he thinks he's saying what he believes is right and trying to cheer me up. I don't mention the boy or the dragon. He wouldn't be able to help me with those problems either. I wish I could tell him about Arthur. About what happened and how I feel. All these feelings are shuffling around in my mind but I don't know what to do. Will Arthur pretend it didn't happen or will something more follow? He did mention it this morning for a moment though neither of us said more after that. And which situation am I hoping for? That I have no answer to.

I stay in Gaius' chambers the rest of the day mixing potions for him and getting tutored in the healing arts. Although I had absolutely no interest in this when I first came to Camelot, it has started to grow on me. My mind always hungers for new knowledge and when I treat an injury or a sickness correctly, I feel a slight pride in my ability. Maybe I don't need my magic for everything; maybe I can still be useful as just Merlin. When dinner time strolls around I talk Gwen into giving Arthur his evening meal. She seems overly pleased by this and I find myself a bit resentful of the fact I couldn't do it. I don't know exactly what I expect but if anything new occurs with Gwen I'm sure I will hear about it from Arthur on the morrow. As I go to bed I pray for some peace of mind and answers to my questions.

I am in a cave. It is large and absolutely beautiful. Somewhere I have been before and recognize. I am in the crystal cave of visions. How I got here and what I'm supposed to be doing I don't know but I stare longingly at the reflective rocks. I want to see the future; I want visions that can help Arthur in the future. But the knowledge of the bad things to come, I don't know if I could deal with all that by myself. It's hard to be such a powerful warlock; much harder than I ever expected it to be. I didn't want to hide but I knew to stay by Arthur's side I had to. Excalibur is in a stone in the center of the cave, its golden lightly jeweled hilt glinting off the jagged edges of crystal. The strongest sword ever to be forged from dragon's breath, its power resonates against the crystals that hum in unison. The sound is small and soft, almost like a harp whispering sweet nothings. I perch on the edge of a rock and listen to my hearts content. The music is soothing and there is nothing more I want to think about. As if hearing my thoughts the tunes change. Abruptly the melody shifts to a harsher tone and my eye catches movement in one of the rocks. Not knowing what's going to happen in the future is something every person must live with, it is hard to do but we must all accomplish the task. Knowing what is going to happen is an even heavier burden to bear, but sometimes people don't have choices in what they must do. I lean over to see the vision in the crystal rock when my hand slips off the edge and slices down the inside of my palm.

My upper body jumps up from the bed to find the covers twisted all around me. Flopping back down I roll over and realize pain in my hand is what awoke me. I glance down, squint my eyes in the dim light and see a scratch across my palm, on my left hand exactly where it happened in the dream. That's never happened before.

I try to fall back asleep but I cannot. If this keeps up I'm going to be in a lot of trouble. I won't be able to do any of my chores or stay awake the whole day for that matter. Sighing, I wonder idly what Arthur is doing right now. Is he sleeping peacefully? Is he restlessly tossing and turning like I find myself doing. Is he having a nightmare unable to wake from the treachery? Or is he awake, fitfully thinking about things he has no control over, like me. I am thinking and wondering about him more and more, though I know so much about him already. I want to know all there is to know. I shake my head because this is bad. I should not be having these feelings and definitely not about Arthur.

I suppose when you're lost in thought time goes by faster because I see the light starting to peek through my window and I still haven't gotten a good nights rest in three days. Pulling myself up I take out fresh clothes and draw a bath. Soaking in the water feels so great, my muscles loosen and I didn't even realize I had been that tense. I scrub my body clean and soak for a few more minutes. Then I empty the water and head into the main room. I want to sneak out before Gaius is up and about. He is a great master and friend but I am just not in the mood to talk cheerfully when that's not how I feel at all. Gaius is indeed a good teacher though because I quickly make a disinfecting salve for my hand. I am just smoothing it onto the cut when Gaius wakes and starts to get up.

"What have you got there, Merlin?"

"Nothing just got a little cut on my hand yesterday. Well I'm off!"

I fly through the door before I hear what he has to say. It's rude, I know it is but I can't help it. Not today.

I fix Arthur's armor on his shoulder and finish tying up the laces on his wrist guards without making any eye contact. He leaves me free rein and doesn't shift and move to hinder my work like usual. He says absolutely nothing about my bailing out of giving him dinner and I am grateful. I'm curious about how it went with Gwen but I definitely won't be the one to bring it up.

"There all done, Sire."

"I can't wait for the sparring matches today; it feels like ages since I've wielded a sword."

It hasn't been more than two days but I don't mention it. I just smile slightly and hand Arthur his sword. He takes it without a word and we head out to the practice grounds. I see how tense his face is, so the exercise should definitely be good for him, it will take the edge off. I'm glad there are no weird feelings between us, I was a little nervous with not showing up yesterday but it seems to not have bothered him at all. He hasn't totally chewed me out like he normally would.

I sit on the stone wall overlooking the grounds as Arthur and Leon parry back and forth with their dulled blades. Leon slices at Arthur's chest as Arthur lifts up his shield to block and strikes with a straight stroke at his opponent with his sword arm, making Leon sidestep away. The way Arthur moves is always tactful and graceful. I'm sure those skills need to go together if you consider yourself a good swordsman. Arthur is definitely a good swordsman in my book.

"Merlin."

I glance up from my stitching of Arthur's shirt, though I already know who it is by the sound of his voice and beat of his step, "Hello Gwaine."

"What are doing?"

"Watching Arthur practice and doing some work," I stick my pointer and middle finger through the hole in the sleeve and wiggle them at Gwaine.

He chuckles lightly, "I see. I meant why are you all the way up here? Usually you're down on the grounds."

"It's nice in the sun over here and I wanted the quiet."

"Wanted the quiet but still wanted to keep an eye on the king, did you?"

Gwaine is my favorite of the knights and I would say he is my closest friend after Arthur, but I don't know what he's playing at right now.

"Why don't you go down and give Arthur some competition, I'm sure he would appreciate it."

Gwaine stares down as Arthur throws one last blow that knocks Sir Leon on his butt in the dirt and signals the end of the match. Elyan and Percival take up shields and start to circle around one another as the next match starts. I see Arthur lift his gloved hand and run it across his forehead effectively wiping the sweat off and rubbing dirt on his face. For reasons I don't know I'm captivated by the sight. Then I remember Gwaine standing next to me and snake my eyes over to his face. He's looking at me oddly and I don't know why exactly. I quickly go back to Arthur's shirt and do the next stitch without saying anything.

"What's the matter Merlin?"

"What do you mean what's the matter? Why would something be the matter? Am I acting like something is the matter?" I babble before I can stop myself.

"Arthur is staring at us right now- no don't look!" he yelps as I start to turn my head to look. I stop in the process and lift my brows waiting for the answer I assume is coming. Gwaine just shrugs, "It would have been obvious if you looked."

Not exactly the explanation I was looking for. Now he's looking at me expectantly but I have nothing to offer, so I stay silent. Gwaine can sometimes be a tricky and cynical man though he's very true hearted so I know whatever he's trying to do; he's trying to do with the best intentions. I just wish I knew what it was.

"Gwaine get down here and fight me man!"

I whip around to stare down at Arthur while Gwaine just lazily turns his head. This action probably looks more forced than I meant it to so I quickly look back down at my stitching before Arthur can meet my eyes. I have been acting strange and I need to cut it out.

"Ready to get your arse beat, are you then?" Gwaine calls back.

Arthur smiles and shields his eyes from the sun with his hand, "We'll see about that!"

Gwaine turns and starts to go down the hill. I have this urge to call after him, I don't really want to but my mouth moves before my brain and I don't even know what I'm supposed to say, "Gwaine!"

He turns.

"Be careful."

We look at one another for a split second longer than necessary then he's gone.

I turn back to my stitching once again. When I finish I don't look down at the grounds. I hear swords clanking together but I don't turn to see who is fighting who. I go back inside the castle and put his shirt away then I leave his room. And I don't want to come back.

Of course I come back though. Arthur would definitely be furious if I didn't show up two nights in a row. And then he could call me a drunk more than he already does, assuming I've been at the tavern. Which I haven't been, obviously.

"Merlin, I need to ask you something."

I take a sharp gulp of breath. Whatever he is going to ask me, on one side I really don't want to know and then on the other side he can't spit it out fast enough. I tilt my head to the left indicating I am listening to him.

"It's about the sword."

"Excalibur?" I blurt before I can think better of it.

He gives me a pointed look, "How did you know about it?"

"As I said Gaius told me the story…"

"And how did Gaius know about it?" he interrupts before I can finish my sentence.

I look at his face and there is harshness in his features. That means he is angry and wants straight answers to his questions, but I cannot provide him those answers. And that hurts more than lying.

"I don't know where Gaius heard it from," I lie stubbornly.

He creases his eyebrows and I know he doesn't believe what I have told him.

"Where were you last night?"

"What, Sire?"

"I said," he enunciates like I am a small child, "where were you last night."

"I was mixing tonics for Gaius he was so busy and…" I trail off.

"That's all Merlin. You can go."

I have already put his supper on the table, cleaned his chambers to the best of my ability, and put the clothes strewn around the room away. I should go because I have done everything I'm supposed to. Supper is waiting for me with Gaius. Nothing is going to happen with Arthur, it never will. He is dismissing me and I can't do anything about it. So why won't my feet listen to my brain and do as I say?

"I said you can go!" Arthur slams his hand, palm flat down on the table and rattles the cup made of silver that I just filled with summer wine.

Apparently this snaps me out of my daze because I am out of his room, rushing down the large marble steps that will take me farther and farther away from him. But I know that this is best because it's what he wants. I will stop having these thoughts because they will be my undoing if I continue on this way.

Then realization hits me and I stop in my tracks. Arthur wasn't angry, I think he was hurt. But by what I am miffed. Was it because I lied to him about the sword? Well I casually lie to him often but it's been harder and harder to do since the kiss. Can he feel this as strong as I can? I abandoned him. Last night, he possibly wanted to talk but I couldn't face him so I sent him… Gwen. And he had just been telling me about how she had hurt him badly. I put my head in my hands because I am not much better. What a blunder I've made out of things. I know how this is supposed to work about as much as a horse does. I've never been with anyone and I don't know how to act, especially because it's Arthur. I want to turn back and run, burst into his room and apologize. Honestly I want to put the last two days behind us and go back to the way things were when it was simpler.

There is so much that I want to do, but in the end I just go back to Gaius' chambers, plop spoonfuls of a watery soup into my mouth without tasting it, escape into my room and do nothing. Whether I will find escape or more torture during the night I don't know but I can no longer stay awake and stress over all these thoughts floating around in my mind.


	3. Be Careful

Thank you for the reviews, I really appreciate it!

Of Crystal and Rock

Be Careful

I am running again. I am so out of breath but still I continue to run. Once again I don't know how long I've been running for; if I am running from something or towards something but I know I have to keep going. Finally I reach the clearing again but no one comes to block my path and I don't stop for a break I just sprint past. I am heading towards something, now I must figure out what it is and I have to get there before it's too late. I've been in this area before. Pushing myself as hard as I can I keep going until my lungs burn and I can barely rasp air through my mouth. My pain pays off because finally I reach my destination, the place I have been trying to get to I know where it is now, the crystal cave. I stand in the entrance. Dusk has passed and darkness is starting to fall across the land. Shadows play across the reflective rocks and I know I'm supposed to go in. Even though I know I'm supposed to go in I really don't want to. A gust of wind comes out of nowhere in the melancholy of the night and swirls my scarf and jacket towards the rock indentation. As the wind passes through the cave I hear the eerie sound of harp whispers bouncing off the crystals once again. I blink rapidly and go in without preamble waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I put my hand out to steady myself against the wall of this cave as I continue to listen for a clue or answer. My arm slides farther than I expect, totally missing the wall and my hand catches the edge of a rock slicing into my palm once more.

When I wake this time I know something is wrong. I'm covered in a cold sweat and blood is leaking down my hand. I un-wrap the piece of cloth I had wrapped around my palm which is now saturated and examine it. Where the first scratch had started to scab this new cut went through it and continued down farther making a sort of lopsided X. I must go to the crystal cave. The notion hits me like a ton of bricks but I realize this was the thing that had been scratching at the back of my head for the past couple of days. There is something I need to know but I can't find out through my dream. My dream is the messenger calling me to a place I need to be. I get up, disregarding the fact that it's still dark out and dress my new injury. Gaius is snoring away in the corner. I wish I could just leave now but it's dark and everyone would worry if they didn't know where I was. Not to mention Arthur would probably skin me alive.

After I tend to the cuts, I creep over to the corner and take an apple out of the basket we keep stocked with fruits. It crunches against my teeth and tastes heavenly in my mouth. I chew slowly savoring the taste and take another bite.

"Glad to see you still eat."

I whirl around at the sound of his voice and stare as the apple's juice rolls down my chin. I quickly wipe it with the back of my right hand, "What are you talking about?"

"Recently I haven't seen you eat anything whenever I offered. A few mouthfuls of soup are not good enough," he adds when he sees my mouth open in protest, "You have a problem Merlin. Care to share?"

"It's my dreams, not the one about Morgana a different one. Or it's kind of connected, I don't know it's confusing but the one thing I do know is I have to go to the crystal cave."

"The crystal cave? That one where you saw the vision? Why do you have to go there?" Gaius asks as he starts to get up from his bed.

"I don't know why but I know I have to. I can't sleep, I can't function correctly. I won't be able to rest peacefully until I go. So after I get Arthur up tomorrow I'm going to leave. You've got to cover for me."

"All right Merlin I will."

I get up and smile, "Thanks." I start to go back into my room then I add almost yelling, "Not the tavern!"

He chuckles lightly and I close my door behind me. I go under my bed and detach the secret floor board where I keep the book Gaius has given me. It comes up easily and I start to flip through it. I don't know what I'm looking for but I just had the urge to have something magic related in my hands. Reading some spells and mouthing the words puts my mind at ease. I haven't spoken to Kilgharrah in a while and I ponder about how Aithusa is doing. The Great Dragon never mentioned him once since I freed him from the egg and suddenly that seems peculiar. Surely Kilgharrah should have mentioned something in passing, even a simple he is healthy and growing fine. I close the book and put it back under my bed then click the plank back in place securely. I'll need to follow up on that once I have some time, I can't believe it never crossed my mind before this. I crawl back into bed hoping that now I can sleep restfully with the knowledge of my impending visit coming soon.

Blinking lightly I see the sun shining through my little window. Finally I have slept some and it feels amazing. I languidly stretch my muscles and kick the covers free of my legs. It feels so peaceful at the moment that I don't want to move at all.

Suddenly Gaius is barging into my room, "You better hurry up if you want Arthur up on time with breakfast on his table!"

With that said I jump up and go through my morning routine. I take the bread and cheese Gaius offers me this time and stuff half of it, it into my mouth raising my eyebrows at him, inquiring if this meets his approval.

He rolls his eyes at me but nevertheless smiles fondly, "Be careful when you go Merlin."

"_Be careful."_

Those two words jump out at me. I almost drop the bread in my hand and take a misstep tripping over my own feet but then I shake my head, regain my balance, and nod to Gaius in farewell. He looks at me oddly but I must go and wake sleeping beauty. Just as quickly as the feeling comes, it passes and I hope Arthur's not still upset with me about yesterday.

"Rise and shine Arthur!"

"Back to that morning greeting, are we?" he asks as he slides his legs off the bed and stretches his arms above his head. As I pull the blinds from the window I see his back muscles flex lusciously and I need to turn my head away.

"Your breakfast, Sire."

I pull the chair from the table for him. He pulls on one of his red shirts and sits. I watch as he parts his lips and shovels a sausage into his mouth. He chomps merrily and continues on in this fashion. I try not to stare, I really try not to. I'm distracted, it's bad I know, but I grab Arthur's sword belt, his sword still attached, with my left hand before I realize I've done it. My tender palm screams in protest and I drop the items while a hiss escapes my teeth.

Arthur turns in his chair and studies me. It's one of those stares that are longer than they used to be.

"Ah, I scratched my palm yesterday and I forgot about it," I say as a way to pacify him I hope. I bend again, only this time taking the sword and belt in my right hand, placing it on his bed.

"Well looks like you need a new bandage that ones all dirty."

Sure enough this one is spotted with blood where I obviously reopened the wounds.

"Let me see," he holds out his hand expectantly.

"It's only a scratch nothing you need to worry about," I try to say. He says nothing, only beckons with his hand once and I am a servant at his mercy once again. I obligingly surrender my hand and he removes the cloth.

"How'd you get that?"

"On a rock."

He raises an eyebrow at me.

I feel a blush creeping up my face because his hand is still holding mine, then I clarify, "Some jagged rocks I was trying to move."

He loosens his hold like he's about to let go and I relax, letting out a sigh attempting to take my hand back but then his hold tightens quickly and he yanks me toward himself. I am sprawled unceremoniously in his lap my mouth agape.

"Merlin I know you've been trying to avoid me but I don't know why. You said you weren't angry about what happened that night, but then I don't know how you do feel. Do you regret it? Did you like it?" he licks his lips then continues, "Do you want to do it again?"

The breath is totally knocked out of me. I don't know if it's from my tumble into his lap, the strength and sureness of his words, or the heat his body is releasing. I suspect it's a little bit of them all but I take a steadying gulp of air and I'm so close that I can smell the sausage on his breath, the soaproot he uses to wash his hair, and polished metal. At polished metal a shudder runs through my body.

"I'd do anything for you Arthur," I breathe.

This time I initiate. I know I shouldn't and I've been jumping back and forth between right and wrong, truth and lies, but at the moment I just don't give a damn. I want him. I want him so damn much it hurts. I shift my body so I can straddle his hips and bend my head to capture his lips; he takes a sharp intake of breath as anticipation blooms over his features, our lips just touch when suddenly there is a knock at the door.

I jump up so quickly that I knock my tailbone on the end of the table. I hobble over to his bed and start to make it without a word.

"Enter!" Arthur calls a little more gruffly then he has to. This pleases me to no end; at least I am not the only one suffering from this misfortune.

I glance over my shoulder as Gwen enters. The blanket shifts as I pull the pillows away and yank it out of my way. I stay focused on my work as I listen.

"My lord," Gwen says her eyes downcast, "Some farmers from the outlying villages seek your good counsel and protection from bandits that keep attacking."

"Yes of course I will see them right away," Arthur says his voice back to normal.

"Arthur," I call. I fasten his sword belt around his hips, debating for a split second about brushing my hand intimately across his abs before I remember Gwen is still standing in the doorway. I don't even know why I possessed that thought in the first place. I wrap his red cloak over his shoulders and place his crown very delicately on his head. He starts to go but before he leaves I say, "Be careful."

He smiles at me, a smile that finally touches his eyes, "What do you mean by that. If we have to go fight these hoodlums, be sure I'll be dragging you with me."

I am torn for a moment. On the one hand I will have to go with Arthur if he ventures outside of Camelot (lets face it, he definitely wouldn't last a day without me) but I must go to the crystal cave. If only for my sanity alone I must go there soon.

"Merlin," Gwen sticks her head inside, "Are you coming?"

I finish the bed and quickly follow after Gwen. Arthur in his entire kingly splendor is sitting on his throne. He has his face screwed up, which means he is listening to what the man is saying and trying to come up with a decision everyone will approve of.

"I know it is just on the edge of your territory, my lord but we beg for your assistance."

"How many are there and are they organized?"

"Nothing but ruffians my lord; a great many of them though. Too many to fend off ourselves as we are just poor farmers," the man said gravely.

"Well put your fears aside we will ride at once for your town."

That was Arthur for you. At the sound of trouble he would go where ever he needs to and do anything he needs to, to protect his people. The thought suddenly crosses my mind that perhaps Arthur should start taking a back seat to these affairs and let his knights handle this. His counselors tell him he needs to be more careful now that he is the king. He needs to be more careful now then ever before. Of course I would never mention this to him directly for it would be shot down and he would probably call me a coward. Although I know I'm anything but a coward.

"Thank you my lord, thank you," the man bows deeply to his majesty.

If we were setting off right away then there was no way I was going to be able to go where I needed to go. The thought cooled my blood immensely.

On cue Arthur gets up. I follow after him at a brisk walk as he flings his crown unceremoniously over his shoulder. My hand shoots out just in time to grab the adorned gold piece before it hits the ground. For as much as Arthur complains about my terrible skills as a servant he certainly has faith in my ability for these things. As we go to his room he unfastens the cape and tosses it at me. I catch that nimbly in my fingers and fold it, placing it with the crown in his wardrobe.

"Start packing up Merlin."

He doesn't even glance at me as he starts unrolling parchments and looks at the map of his lands. I take a deep breath and start to do as I'm bid, "At once, Sire."

My steps feel heavy as I make my way back to Gaius' chambers so I can pack my own meager belongings and head off with Arthur to fight these bandits. Well Arthur will fight and I'll just make sure nothing bad happens to him. As I roll my blanket up and put some extra clothes in my pack I think about how Arthur can just turn it on and off like that. One second we are in a compromising position, I cough suddenly and feel my face heat up even thought there's no one around to see; then the next second we are surrounded by people and acting like nothing changed. In truth nothing has really changed.

I have just finished tacking the horses and securing our gear when Arthur comes over, in full steel armor and takes the reins to his dapple colored stallion. He mounts up quickly and I see all the knights finishing with their own horses and mounting up. I hurriedly tie up the last knot and then jump up onto my own horse.

Arthur says some words of wisdom to the knights and a cheer goes up in answer to him. We start off at a gallop with Arthur in the lead with the villagers, me flanking his left side and Percival his right.

We ride long and hard. I am exhausted when we make camp for the night. The villagers insist that we are not very far at all. We should reach their home around noon on the morrow. I scoop some stew into Arthur's plate and hand it to him. He nods in thanks then I go retrieve my own supper. I un-tack our horses and sling the saddles over a low hanging branch, then rub them down quickly. With those chores completed I flop onto my bedroll and curl up under my blanket.

I feel my eyeballs moving rapidly behind my eyelids, but no matter how hard I try I cannot wake myself. It is like I am encased in total darkness and although I am conscious there is no way to change my fate and make my limbs move when they will not. Panic starts to rise in the back of my throat but I cannot make a sound, nothing will obey my command. Suddenly I am shaken so violently that my orbs pop open and I am back. I can smell the grass underneath me, feel the rough spun wool material of my blanket, and hear the horse's heavy breathing as they rest peacefully alongside us.

"Merlin, you were having a dream," Arthur whispers next to me.

His thick blonde hair and lovely blue eyes come into my line of view and I have to think for a moment before it registers that he has spoken to me, "I'm sorry Sire, did I wake you?"

"No I was on Sentry, but you didn't seem to be resting well."

"I'll rest better now," I whisper as my eyes drift closed again. I don't know if I imagine or dream it or perhaps it really happened but I feel a hand smooth through my dark locks in a soothing gesture. I sleep.


	4. Moonlight

Of Crystal and Rock

Moonlight

"That wasn't so bad, Sire."

"That's easy for you to say you were hiding behind a haystack while we were all fighting!" Arthur responded.

I roll my eyes because while I _was_ technically hiding behind the haystack I was only doing it to stay out of sight to keep my king safe. Apparently the three times I averted the bandits away from him and the two times I knocked them out so he wouldn't be absurdly outnumbered doesn't count for anything. Not that I really expected acknowledgement for my contributions. But still once in a while it's nice to hear that you did a good job.

Arthur sticks his sword in the ground and puts his left hand on his opposite shoulder, rolling it and massaging the joint. The other knights plop down on the ground in exhaustion while the villagers walk around with buckets of water and ladles. They heatedly tell the knights how magnificent they looked fighting and how grateful they are that the ruffians won't be bothering them ever again. I walk around, taking inventory of everyone but I see no lethal wounds. My pack of herbs, salves, and tonics is slung across my back and I tend to all the major injuries. Leon has a long gash on his upper arm that sliced right through his mesh armor. It's about as long as my finger and at least two inches deep, too deep to mend up correctly on its own. I put some anesthetic on the wound then stitch it up neatly. Rubbing some disinfectant salve on it afterwards I nod pleased with my completed work.

Leon examines my efforts critically before smiling, "You did really well Merlin, as good as Gaius I would venture to say."

I beam at the obvious praise, "Thank you!"

I practically skip back over to where Arthur is. He gives me a disgusted look as I sit next to him, "What are you so happy about?"

"Eh?" I mumble and hum to myself not really listening to what he says. Rearranging the contents in my bag, I check to make sure I have enough of all my ingredients left incase something comes up. I am too thrilled about how my skills have improved so drastically in a short amount of time. I am also thankful that no one died. Gaius will be so happy when I tell him about all the injuries I patched up. Then I hear Arthur groan as he slowly flexes his shoulder. Apparently he's paying me as much attention I have been paying to him.

Finally I notice his discomfort and slide behind him, pulling his red tunic and mesh away from his skin so I can look at his shoulder. The metal plated shoulder piece hasn't been ruined but he has a nasty looking welt that probably came from a mace thrust. I fish in my bag and take out the salve that sooths heated skin and sore muscles. This brings me back to the first time I ever met Arthur and I got a similar wound, Gaius had applied this to me. Shrugging slightly I put a generous glob on my hand and stick my arm down his shirt, rubbing gently over the tender skin. Arthur stiffens immediately and then sighs deeply as the tense muscle relaxes.

Eventually Arthur takes a look around at his men, then acknowledges what I have done, "You've actually become quite useful Merlin. What was it you put on my shoulder, it was heavenly."

"Just a muscle relaxant, it sooths irritated skin," I explain. I pout somewhat at the first part of Arthur's remark. So I'm only useful occasionally, indicating before this that I had been utterly useless. If only Arthur knew how helpful I had been just an hour ago!

Arthur turns and gives me an appraising look before he stands, slides his sword back into its scabbard and bellows to his people, "Well done men! We shall head back to Camelot on the morrow! Get a good nights rest as we'll ride hard all day long."

I follow Arthur into the cabin that has been graciously prepared for the king of Camelot. He stands and has his hands resting on the back of a chair. That face is one I have seen before, when he is trying to decide a course of action to take or figure out a specific problem; I wonder dimly if this battle hadn't gone as smoothly as I first thought. I reach over to undo his sword belt. I slip off the battered shoulder protector and start unlacing his wrist guards. After I get him shimmied out of all his armor he eases himself down on the bed in the corner stuffed with straw. I assess him as he flings his uninjured arm across his face over his eyes. His body sags against the wooden frame of the bed and now I can see how tired he is. We rode all day and he stayed up late last night, then he fought all day practically and we'll be riding all day tomorrow as well. He must be more exhausted then even I am.

"Do you have any other aches, Arthur?" I ask sympathetically. I don't often feel sympathy for my hardworking although infuriating king, but I know how bad it can be when you can't sleep or don't get enough sleep so I am extra supportive for the moment.

"No," he mumbles.

"Would you like me to fetch you anything?"

Slowly Arthur removes his arm from his face, "Now that you mention it I do have one more ache."

"Where?" I wonder as I reach for my bag.

He beckons me towards him and I raise an eyebrow inquisitively. I reach for my bag again but this time he just shakes his head. Reluctantly I leave it where it is and kneel by the bed. Arthur looks up at me with his big blue eyes and speaks smoothly, "It's an ache that only you can fulfill Merlin."

I swallow noticeably because that wasn't exactly what I was expecting him to say. He watches my adam's apple bob up and down as I swallow and I almost feel self-conscious. Last time I had worked up the nerve to do something, but this time it is so abrupt I don't know how to react. I think Arthur can see this because he puts me out of my misery by putting his hand on the back of my head and yanking me down to him. My lips meet his and there is a desperation in this kiss that wasn't in the first ones we shared. Perhaps it's because we kept getting interrupted or because we both know how the other feels but now its just plain hot. He grabs my bottom lip in his teeth and all my thoughts evaporate from my head. I just feel heat and need. His hand slides down past my neck and traces the protruding bones of my spine. Perhaps I should do something with my hands as well so I tentatively place my right hand on his chest over his heart. It flutters faster than normal under my warm touch and as I slide my hand down I feel his nipple pucker to attention. I am thoroughly shocked that just a small move had such a major reaction. Then Arthur's hand reaches my butt and gives it a good hardy squeeze that shocks me and I think I forget to breathe because I break away from the kiss in utter amazement, sputtering for air and a clear concise thought. I probably shouldn't be so surprised but for some reason I am. I am still kneeling on the floor and Arthur leans up from lying on the bed, propping himself up on his elbow. His hand is still resting on my bottom and I try not to concentrate on that, but it's hard not to notice.

"Merlin, I want you. And I'm pretty sure you want me too. So come up here."

His words are so authoritative and precise that I stand automatically because I can never disobey him (well I can and do all the time but for some reason I can't right now).

Before I can make it onto the bed though there is, would you imagine a knock at the door? Seems like we can never get the timing right. The spell is broken and the heat drains from my body, I quickly retreat from his prone form. Arthur glares at me so angrily that I shudder but I know it's not me he is angry with, well at least I don't think it's me.

He takes a calming breath, flops back down, and winces as he jostles the bothered shoulder. He shoves me away even further and calls while gritting his teeth, "Enter!"

Gwaine and Elyan enter, bantering and poking each other, oblivious to the things that just went on in here thank goodness. I watch as Gwaine shuts the door, there is barely a scratch on him and Elyan has a wad of gauze wrapped around his head where he got a minor cut from a sword hilt whacking him. They sit at the table and lean back obviously exhausted from the day's efforts.

I go over to my little medicine bag and fiddle around with it because I'm not sure what else to do. Although only seconds passed before Arthur invited them to enter, I can't believe they are so oblivious to the tension in the room. Or is that just how I'm feeling? Arthur has resumed his resting position of arm across face. Gwaine is moving his hands enigmatically reenacting a battle move that he was evidently very proud of.

"Merlin could you find us something to eat, I'm famished over here!"

"Of course," I say as I quickly step outside and I am glad for the distraction. I take a cleansing breath, is it just me or was it super hot in there?

Well at least now I know how serious Arthur is about me, which is a good thing. I think we might possibly have a chance. As this thought floats across my inner workings I remember my magic. _Shit_, it totally slipped my mind. Do I want to continue this relationship without confessing my deepest darkest secret? If I confess before we get serious, he will probably end it, but if I confess later on I think he would be devastated and feel betrayed. And in either situation I may not live long enough to come to a better conclusion. Suddenly I am torn between what I should do. I must be wearier around Arthur until I make a decision on this matter. No more steamy hot kisses in the armory or his room or on a bed… I shake my head to dispel those tainting ideas. The issue is though, that I lose all my willpower when Arthur kisses me or even when he tells me to do something. I just can't keep a clear head with him around lately. It never used to be this difficult, but then I didn't use to feel this way. Is this what being in love is always like? I stop mid-stride because I can't believe I just thought that. The dreaded L word. But no, I can't be. Definitely, positively not me. I honestly thought I, being who I am, would never truly find love. Am I that serious about Arthur?

A villager gives me an odd look at my frozen position and I hurriedly finish my step before they can say something. I am supposed to be finding food right now, not thinking about all these things. Thankfully one of the women offers me a whole chicken, already seasoned, spiced, and cooked. I let out a relieved sigh that I don't have to do it myself. This will definitely be enough for those three chow hounds. I glance down at the chicken again thinking about how big their appetite usually is. Before I go back inside I come to the realization that it might not be enough after all and amend that it will just have to do.

"Here you are," I place the chicken platter on the table.

"That was fast," Gwaine mentions but is obviously pleased as he rips off the leg and then tears chucks of meat off with his teeth. It's like he doesn't even chew as the chicken slides off the bone, down his throat and he is doing it again. Elyan follows suit, then Arthur rises from the bed. He rips off the other leg and I turn to go back outside when he places the leg in my hand then sits at the table and starts to devour the chicken with the other two.

I am a bit surprised but I take my prize out with me and gobble it down behind the cottage. I lick my fingers clean and realize I was hungry. I hadn't really eaten anything but a little bit of the stew leftover from the night before. I wonder vaguely if Arthur noticed this then push the thought aside. Of course he didn't, he was just making sure I got something today. The sun has set and stars start to twinkle out along with the moon. Most of the cabins lights are out; it is so dark that everything in the sky shines twice as bright as it normally does.

I place my bedroll on the wood floor right next to the only bed in the cabin and shift around as I get comfortable. Gwaine and Elyan are curled up on their sides in the middle of the cabin by the door already snoring. It was really embarrassing that Arthur noticed my restive sleep last night, so I plead silently that I don't rustle around or cry out tonight. I lie on my back and stare at the wood beams over head.

"Merlin," Arthur whispers.

"Yes Sire?"

"When we get back, I will finish what I started."

I feel the blush creep up my neck but I know Arthur can't see it. Muscles clench deliciously in my stomach but I try to ignore them too. He rolls over on the bed so I see his two piercing blue eyes glinting in the darkness as he looks down at me.

He observes me critically and places his hand on my shoulder, not in an intimate manner, just friendly and continues his whisper, "You feel so thin Merlin. It might be more noticeable to me now that I've," he clears his throat, "held you. You've got to eat more."

I don't know why I'm so mortified, I suppose it's because he's insinuating that I can't take care of myself when I clearly can; or maybe not so clearly. I've just been so stressed out about my dreams and now with this new budding relationship with Arthur I have been neglecting myself a bit. I'm just embarrassed that he's noticed, and my conscious is preening elegantly that he even cares enough to mention it. I silently decide to fix this issue immediately.

"Well we can't all be as plump as you Arthur!"

He scowls at me, "I'm not fat! It's the armor and my layers of cloth."

"Of course."

"Merlin!" he chastises me in a whisper, "I'm serious."

"I'm sorry, I've been… preoccupied but I'll definitely eat more."

"Good I need you to stay fit so you can continue on with your chores in a timely fashion and still be able to perform other activities for me, perhaps later in the evening," he waggles his brows at me expectantly. I can almost taste the threat and promise in those last words.

"I would do anything for you Arthur," I utter the words once more because they are true but then Arthur pulls back with a frown on his face.

"I don't want you to do it for _me_, Merlin. I want you to do it because you want to as well."

My thoughts of a few hours before pop back into my head and I decided that I wasn't going to encourage him! I am not going to lead him on nor go along with what he wants or says before a decision on the matter comes to me. Once again I was swept up in the whirlwind that is my king and I just can't think. Our bantering always starts out fun then it turns serious before I can blink my eyes. I'm swept away by the current and barely able to keep my head afloat. Maybe after my trip to the crystal cave I will be able to put all the pieces together and figure it out, but right now I need to be non-committed yet still interested. Why is this so hard?

"Everything I do is for you Arthur," I say because it really is entirely true. I think about all the times I've saved his life and everything I have ever done to further Albion's success. He is so important to everyone, to the land, and to me. I smile shyly at him, "But I do all those things for you because I want to, not because you ask me to or because I have to."

His furrowed forehead eases and he seems utterly pleased by this statement. I hope I haven't just boosted his ego sky high. That's the last thing I need. He leans back on the bed so I can no longer see his face.

It's an impossibly long time and I have deduced he is slumbering away next to me when I hear a faint, "Thank you."

My heart soars and my eyes subconsciously shift to the window where the moonlight is shining, bathing us in its glory. I don't think he knows I am still awake so I silently send a message back and hope it reaches him, _you're welcome_.


	5. The Crystal Cave

Of Crystal and Rock

The Crystal Cave

Finally. That is the only word or thought I can think as I pull up to the crystal cave on my good tempered gelding, sliding off the saddle and leaning against his neck with my hand on the reins for support. It might have been a longer process than I had wanted, but I am too weary to take notice of anything else. Nothing matters now because finally I can see the vision or whatever it is I was meant to see here.

It took longer than we expected to get back, nearly three days because of the pouring rain and the injuries sustained from battle. We were wet, soar, and that made everyone absolutely miserable and quite a few grumpy. Arthur had kept his distance from me a little more noticeably during the journey back. It could possibly be from embarrassment relating to some of the things said or a reason I have no idea of. Either way it took a long time for me to find the right moment to mount my escape, for a few days anyway. As soon as we returned Arthur had to hold council for all the problems neglected while he was away. A few other outlying villages had been attacked it seemed, but to my relief and probably the relief of half the court, he sent Leon east to set it straight over there and Elyan west. Of course both of us were busy, he had me running around doing this and straightening out that and the other thing like crazy; I couldn't find a moment to myself. I wish I could have gotten away sooner but with all the craziness and problems that seemed to pop up I could only bide my time and wait. It took a week of restless sleep and tortured nights but soon I will see the fruition of my efforts. I know when I get back there will be hell to pay (with no help from Gaius, I'm sure he used his same old excuse of _the tavern_ even though I begged him to think of something more original) but there's no point in dwelling on that now. Just picturing Arthur's angry face makes me shiver and I move into the shelter of the big pine trees around my destination. It was obvious he really needs my assistance and guidance more than ever now, but this is something I could not put off any longer.

I hobble the horse to a nearby spruce tree. It behooves me to realize that I have reached the cave right as the sun sets in a beautiful display of gold and orange and yellow. Similar to the way I arrived in my dream which does nothing to calm my frazzled nerves. I quickly step in and get my bearings before darkness sets in totally and I am scrambling to find my way. There is no Excalibur trapped in rock, not that I really expected it to be here. I know exactly where I left that sword, hanging against Arthur's hip in the courtroom. There are a lot of jagged rocks around and I unconsciously cradle my left hand against my chest as if to protect it. No more annoying scratches for me, thanks very much.

It's eerily quiet until I hear an owl screech outside and my horse makes a nervous whickering sound in answer. The screech surprises me and I slip on a smooth bolder but I catch myself before I'm too unsteady on my feet. I slink further into the dimly lit dome. Lifting my head I see how high the ceiling raises up and notice unpleasantly all the pointed rocks aimed down at the area below. I sigh and fiddle around with my scarf not exactly knowing what to do next. Then I hear a sound. I strain my ears to listen and try to figure out what it is. I don't think it's the horse and it can't possibly be footsteps, I would have realized way before this.

It is a harp. The crystal cave is singing to me, just like in my dream. Apparently it is thrilled to have me here, though I don't know if I return the sentiments just yet. The music guides me a bit deeper until I reach a small pool of water. It's very small, can barely be called a puddle but I look down at it in wonder. The crystal clear liquid is a pale white-blue and so still I can see my reflection perfectly in it. I don't see any water dripping or condensation nor did I see a stream close by so I ponder where this little pool came from. As I am wondering this I see a flash of motion in it. Fascinated I get down on my hands and knees bring my face as close as possible and stare down into the now rippling water. Suddenly I feel a deep pull in my bones and I am transported away from my body and my sight becomes hazy.

Arthur decked out in his best armor and helm is pointing his sword, _not_ Excalibur I note with dismay, at a dark haired teen. The boy's face twists in a grim smile and he dismisses whatever Arthur is saying to him with a small wave of his hand. Arthur's face hardens at this and I can practically taste his anger as it rolls off him in waves. Vaguely I see Gwaine, Leon, Percival, Elyan, and Tristan (I can feel my eyebrow attempt to rise as this is an unexpected surprise although pleasing nonetheless, but my body still feels far away) along with some other knights hanging back. With a rising thought of dismay I realize this is the field where my first dream took place. Morgana enters the scene from the trees on the far side and I hear Gwaine curse angrily. He charges Morgana with a knightly roar, his sword swinging high. _Be careful_, I utter the silent plea but I can taste bile advancing up the back of my throat and I know how this is going to end. Gwaine is an amazing fighter and although he always itches for a battle, he usually doesn't rush in like a headstrong fool. I try to close my eyes but I cannot look in any other direction. I try to pull away from the scene but I cannot get my mind to obey. As I watch Gwaine gaining ground I cry out in frustration because I really don't want to watch this and finally I am yanked bodily back.

I come back to myself with my nose literary touching the small pool of water. I yank my head back and run a hand down my face to wipe away the moisture. Absentmindedly I hear the cave screaming at me in protest but I need a minute to compose myself. The rocks all around me vibrate with the need to finish what they started; my mind is in total chaos. When will this happen, how does it come to be, and why does it happen? Many of these questions I desperately need answers to before I will be able to face Arthur again or any of the knights for that matter. So this is what I so urgently needed to see. What I wish I didn't need to see. That boy, his name touches my lips and I don't want to speak it out loud but I need to face the reality, "Mordred."

A shutter passes through me involuntarily. This is bad. This is really, really bad. How am I supposed to fix this? How could I have been so stupid all those years ago? I had the choice, not a kindly or fair choice, but a choice nonetheless. Which was the lesser of two evils, letting a child die or my morals as a warlock? Kilgharrah warned me and urged me to let him die, to not aid in his escape. Desperately I wish I had listened to the wise old dragon now. How can I help to feel that this is anything but my own fault? Apparently I am too compassionate for my own good and I possibly jeopardized everything I have been working towards for the past five years. I take a deep reassuring breath and feel relieved when the air files down deeply into my lungs. I honestly don't want to see what happens next but it's imperative that I know what happens. I must know what happens so that I can fix it; so that I can stop it from ever occurring. I brush the pebbles and dirt off my hands then shift my body back over the puddle. As I feel the out-of-body pull once again I give in to it and feel myself lift boneless.

He charges Morgana with a knightly roar, his sword swinging high. He gets so close, I almost hope, almost hope that for one moment he has her but then she lifts her hand and casts it unceremoniously through Gwaine's chest. I cannot believe it. I have never seen Gwaine fall so quickly before, I've barely ever seen him take wounds yet Morgana defeated him with her bare hands and seemingly effortlessly. The triumphant smirk that plays across her features is the worst of all. Arthur's cry of rage is heartbreaking. Mordred lifts his sword and swipes at Arthur. The king nimbly moves out of his reach and shifts his shield into a proper battle stance. The other knights disperse around, trying to keep Morgana and I realize with a sinking heart, a white dragon at bay. Aithusa flaps his large wings angrily. He is not nearly the size of Kilgharrah probably not even half the size of him yet, but I know how deadly the dragon can still be. Percival and Tristan carefully circle around him. Morgana cackles lightly as Elyan raises his sword to her and then the two armies clash. The Camelot knights rush at their opponents, who seem to be a combination of Druids and peasants. I am utterly shocked to see the Druids fighting here, usually they try to stay out of all conflict and are peaceful people by nature; most magical creatures are. I note a little nervously that I am no where to be seen. There is no way I would ever let the knights and Arthur face a magical foe without me. It's a sickening thought. As if the cave hears my thoughts or perhaps its just coincidence, I zoom closer to Arthur and Mordred at their sword fight.

"Why are you doing this? I _helped_ you. And this is how you repay me?"

"Don't try to trick me with your petty words Arthur Pendragon. I will not be swayed."

Mordred swipes with his sword and Arthur easily dodges and parries the next two attempts with his shield.

"How does it feel? To be _betrayed_ by the one person you trusted most. A pity he couldn't join us here today."

Arthur yells and goes on the attack while the younger man goes to defensive moves.

I am sitting on the floor with my head spinning and my eyesight reeling. Eventually I observe that the cave is finally silent. Apparently I have seen all I was meant to or all I am allowed to. I can't wrap my head around my thoughts or feelings. Betrayed. This one word keeps swimming around in my mind and won't give me a moment's peace. There is no way I would ever, _ever_ betray my king. What does this whole thing mean? I am mystified and embarrassed and beyond afraid.

I run from the cave and feel my chest heaving as I try to calm my heart. Yelling out in the dragon tongue, I call for Kilgharrah. Perhaps he can help me make sense of this premonition, prophecy, vision? And Aithusa. I hope desperately my dragon friend will have some answers for me about the little white companion I saved for him. How could that dragon possibly turn on us? It just doesn't make any sense. Anything he says will be helpful or useful, it always is and I need his advice now more than ever. I can't figure all this out on my own. Usually when I call it doesn't take Kilgharrah long at all to come, he knows these woods like the back of his wings, yet he is not here. I call out once more, commanding as a dragon lord that my friend will show himself to me. And then I wait.

It is dark now; I must have been in the cave longer than I anticipated. I must have been standing in this spot for longer than I imagined. It is hard to travel at night but I must get back as soon as possible so Arthur doesn't really kill me. How can it be that I've been abandoned? Kilgharrah has never done this to me before, never hasn't he come when I called him, no matter the situation or time. Suddenly I wonder if something is wrong. Why does this day just seem to be getting worse and worse as it gets darker and darker?

My horse knickers to me, encouraging me to let him loose and head back home where his dinner waits. Where my dinner will be waiting too. Although by now it is probably hard and cold. I glance up at the sky once more but the only answer I receive is the constant moonlight. Giving up and mentally exhausted I untie my horse, jump on and steer him back to Camelot. Back to where my once and future king lies safely in his castle.

It doesn't take nearly as long to get back as it did to get to the crystal cave. This could be because my thoughts were running rampant; or it could be from me not noticing a lapse of time as I played the vision over and over in my brain. Whatever the reason though I am thankful it is early morning so I will still have time to get changed and then wake Arthur. As I put my horse away in the stables, I brush him down and give him a nice juicy carrot. He's definitely earned it after this long and tiring night. Its pretty early, the grooms haven't even stirred yet so I'm really not expecting it when a hand falls on my shoulder.

I jump nearly two feet and swing around swiftly. My fear is short lived as Gwaine gaffes and tries to contain his laughter so as not to wake anyone up.

"What are you doing here so early?" I hiss at him.

"Arthur was having some issues around the border of Lot's kingdom, some peasants acting up. Since Elyan and Leon are still about in other areas seems I'm the next best choice."

Seeing Gwaine laughing and smiling at me, after just witnessing something terribly tragic happening to him is almost my undoing. I'm about to open my mouth and beg him not to go, to stay here safe and sound where I can keep my eyes on him. I am almost tempted to go with him, he is a very dear friend, but my loyalty to Arthur is unwavering and too powerful to ignore. Plus I know that he will return safely because he was at the battle I saw, but still I can't shake this feeling. It makes me so uneasy.

"Merlin?"

"Sorry I was just thinking."

"You've been acting strange lately."

His brow is furrowed and he is giving me a quizzical look. For once I wish I could just tell someone about my magic. I want to scream and confess and cry all at the same time and I don't know what to do.

Instead I put on a smile, "Have I? Well you act strange all the time so I suppose I can't be doing it too badly then."

His face lightens at the joke and he nods, "You take care of the king while I'm away."

"Of course, it's my job after all!" I reply cheerily.

His horse is already saddled and ready to go with provisions loaded on it. How did I miss that when I walked in? I suppose thirty six hours awake will do that to you. He swings into the saddle and nods to me.

"See you then."

He kicks his horse and the animal jolts out of the barn at a trot. Before I know what I've done my feet have carried me out of the barn so I can watch Gwaine's retreating form.

"Be careful!" I call to him before I can take the words back. He doesn't turn or acknowledge the statement, I see him kick his horse again and the animal changes into a graceful gallop and after a moment I can't see either of them anymore. I wonder why I had to say that and why I have been acting so weird lately. It's like a mantra that I've been telling Gwaine to be careful even when I don't realize I'm doing it. I've got to cut this out. Gaius has noticed, Gwaine seems to have noticed, and even Arthur has noticed, which means I've definitely been doing something wrong. I'm surprised my deepest secret is still safe at the rate I've been going lately.

My horse is cooled down. I leave my gelding in his stall with a pail of oats, a hardy pat on the rump, and another carrot. I sneak into my room to change my clothes; aware that no matter how quiet I am Gaius always has a knack for waking up. I splash water from my basin on my face to wash off the dirt and grim from the road, though it doesn't improve my image much. I can feel the bags under my eyes and know nothing can really improve that. As the sun starts to sneak up I don't have enough time to catch a few minutes of sleep which would be really useful at the moment. Instead I go to the kitchen where everyone is already awake and preparing dishes for the day. I get Arthur's morning meal of porridge and head up to his room. I tip toe in and put the bowl on his dining table. I turn around and move back the way I've come.

"Merlin."

I stop my stealthy walk across his room. I almost had it; I thought I was going to be safe but that tone. Oh do I know that tone. I turn slowly to face him.

"Where were you _all_ day yesterday?" his voice is so stern it can cut steel.

"Um," I stammer trying to think up a good excuse and failing miserably, "the woods?"

"And what pray tell," he stops to take a steadying breath, "were you doing in the woods?"

"Gathering herbs?"

"Gathering herbs is it? For the whole day?"

"But then I got lost?"

"But then you got lost, did you?"

"Really lost," I nod, knowing there is no way I can get out of this one.

"Someone else seems to be under the impression that you spent the day in the tavern!"

I screw my eyes shut because I know who said that and I want to smash a metal jug over his head. That thought brings me back to the present and I have just enough time to duck from the water jug that Arthur just sent whizzing past my ear.

"Well I can see you're already up for the day, so I can take my leave. I brought you breakfast Sire. Not much though since we want to keep your shapely kingly figure."

If I'm going down at least I can go down swinging I think as that last remark sets in and Arthur's face turns an angry, an even angrier, shade of red. I just slip through his door before I hear something shatter against the wood.

"MERLIN!"


	6. Not So Far Away

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Of Crystal and Rock

Not So Far Away

Morgana had erected a new little cabin, similar to her hovel and not as far away from Camelot as she should have. It was just outside Camelot's border up in Lot's kingdom. She wanted to stay hidden until she could figure out a new plan. How many times would she have to try and take over Camelot just to fail before one of her plans would pull through? How could it possibly be _this _difficult? She breathed a sigh and rested her head in her hands. Her long gorgeous black hair was still in its dreads and the dress she had been wearing for the past two weeks was dirty and stuck to her body. After some much needed tranquility she would need to find a lake to wash in. There were so many things she needed to take care of before she could start planning anything else. Her thoughts drifted back to the white dragon. Morgana had never seen a live dragon up close before. How had it gotten there and what was it doing? She hadn't even believed they existed until her magic came to her and that one dragon escaped and attacked Camelot.

A loud crashing noise sounded outside. She jumped up and grabbed the only sword she had, the one stolen the day she fled from Camelot. Morgana touched the knife that was fastened to her hip for reassurance. Silently she snuck to her front door and hid behind it. The crash sounded like hooves pounding on dry branches, cracking tree limps and dead leaves being crushed in its wake. When no other sound met her ears for a few minutes she lowered the sword slightly and waited. After a few moments impatience took hold and she pulled the door open. Outside her little wooden cabin stood a man in a hooded black cloak. A horse was tethered to a tree a few feet away. The wood creaked against the un-oiled hinges and she stood in her doorway, staring out at the person who just happened to end up at her doorstep.

"Who are you?" Morgana called out.

She had been expecting no guests after Helios had been slain and most likely Agravaine as well. Therefore she had no other allies to speak of at the moment. She eyed the intruder wearily as she waited, somewhat impatiently. Her nerves had been wearing thin in the solitude following her departure from Camelot and the loss of the only companions she had had.

The boy flips his hood off his head and looks Morgana straight in the eyes. The most piercing ice blue eyes she has ever seen meet her light green ones. Eyes she knows. Eyes of a boy she once knew.

"You," she whispers, "You're that druid boy I saved."

"Morgana, it's been too long."

Apparently that was the only invitation of recognition he needed. He makes his way towards her and enfolds her in his arms; she is too shocked to do anything but stand in his embrace. The sword is pushed away from them and Morgana sees he is taller than she is now. Had it really been that long since she saved him? Finally she moves her free hand and grips the fabric of his cloak and buries her face in his neck. It might possibly be stupid to trust this boy who has appeared out of no where after such a long time away. But it is nice to see someone who doesn't want to try to kill you or doesn't want payment or a favor or so many of the other things people always want. It's nice to just bury her face in his shoulder and receive the comfort it gives. Whatever he is doing here, it doesn't matter to her as long she has some company for a bit.

They pull away, "Come, you must come inside won't you."

Morgana hurries in. She doesn't have much, she only took the bare necessities she could carry from her hovel but luckily she had the good sense to take her teapot. Never know when you might need something hot or something to brew a tonic in. She quickly fills it with water from her barrel and puts it over the fire to warm. She fiddles with some herbs, picking out the ones she wants to add into the tea, mint leaves for flavor, rosemary to calm the nerves, and saffron.

Then a thought occurs to her, "Your name. You never told me your name."

"My name is Mordred."

"Mordred… it is so good to see you. I'm glad you safely escaped Camelot."

"I am glad to see you safely escaped Camelot as well."

"Yes I had some help," she doesn't elaborate that this help was a dragon.

It seems it doesn't matter as he already knows, "Yes Aithusa helped you I believe."

"The dragon? You know it? And how did you know that I escaped Camelot?"

"Know him? Indeed I do, he and I have become dear friends."

Morgana stares at him not exactly sure how to respond to that statement. He seemed to totally avoid the second part of her statement.

He changes topics smoothly enough, "I know you crave the throne of Camelot for yourself Morgana but so far you just haven't had the right allies to make this happen. I have been watching you, waiting for my time. I wish I could have come sooner but I needed to perform certain tasks before I could approach you. I believe you and I will be able to help each other immensely."

"I've taken Camelot twice already, no matter who my ally was I still lost it back to Arthur. Unless you kill him I see no reason why another siege would work."

"Then I will kill him."

Morgana took the kettle with a hot rag and poured the steaming water into two cups, adding the herbs and stirring it slowly. Her back is turned to him and she breathes in the aromatic smell, trying to figure out what he is truly after. She hands one cup to him and holds the other in both her hands. She studies him thoroughly through her dark lashes. He has jet black hair, similar to hers and just a touch of stubble on his young face. Morgana narrows her eyes suspiciously, "How?"

What made him so sure he could do something that countless people before him could not achieve?

"Excalibur."

"How will you be able to accomplish what so many before, myself included, failed to do?" Morgana wondered.

Mordred let a scowl cross his face, "I admit the task is a difficult one. I had hoped to come to you after I had already done the deed, bring you his head as a prize or peace offering, but I see I may yet need your assistance in that aspect. I attempted to lure him out to the border of his kingdom with a band of hoodlums, but it seems Arthur works quickly and has many knights to guard him. I didn't get close enough to do any damage, plus his protector was there."

"His protector?"

"Yes one of the strongest magicians I have ever seen, Emrys."

"Emrys?" Morgana yelped incredulously. She jumped up and strode towards him. At his baffled look she stopped took a deep breath and sat again. After a moment she asked, "You know who Emrys is?"

"Why of course," he responded surprised, "Don't you know?"

"No, I don't," Morgana whispered.

Finally after all this time she's going to find out who Emrys is. After all the times he sabotaged her, Morgana smiles as she realizes she will be able to exact the revenge she has been waiting for, for so long. Nothing else matters as she waits, more patiently than before. She had been looking for this answer for too long, even willing to pay with the enchanted bracelet her sister had given her. It had been eating away at her for so long; she couldn't believe she was finally going to find out who this warlock is. She met Mordred's eyes expectantly.

"He helped me escape that night as well."

"He did? Who is he then?" she demanded.

"Merlin."

"Merlin? Are you sure?" she asked skeptically. Merlin that sweet, loyal to a T fool was really an all powerful magician? It was a little difficult to believe. He did always seem to be at the center of the action but that was always where Arthur was so it never really surprised her to see him there. But then again he always did manage to get away unharmed when knights and men seemingly stronger than him fell all around. It was a bit of a shock.

"I'm terribly sure."

"That lowly servant? Merlin, the person closest to the king, has been deceiving him for the longest time. I cannot believe it. Arthur will be mortified when he finds out, he will be absolutely furious!"

Mordred nods slowly.

Morgana could already feel the plan formulating in her mind's eye.

"Don't you see? This is the perfect way to destroy him…"

"It is a good notion but how will you carry it out? And without proof will Arthur believe you? Believe it I mean."

"I'll have proof," Mordred says matter-of-factly.

"You're going to make him use magic in front of Arthur?"

"Precisely. That is where you come in to lend your aid. I'm thinking if you're spotted they will all come running to the scene. You are considered a huge threat to Camelot's wellbeing after all. We can have an ambush laid out for them. Aithusa will so graciously lend us his aid so we will most definitely have the upper hand. In the meantime I already have another plan in motion relating to Arthur's sword."

Morgana had to admit, she was impressed. Apparently he had been planning this out for some time. All the major factors were accounted for. Getting rid of Arthur's magical ally was the first step to success. Having the dragon would provide much needed manpower. Getting rid of the sword all the townspeople thought so highly of, would cause a rift between him and his people plus he would personally feel weakened. She could not find a fault in the plan yet.

She nodded, "It sounds like a good plan. Of course you will have my aid."

He smiled deeply, "Thank you. Excalibur is a magical implement whether our once and future king knows it or not. It derives energy and strength from magical creatures, and what is more powerful then that of the warlock Emrys who helped create it? We must separate Emrys from Arthur and Arthur from his sword for this plan to be completed. There's one other thing I would very much appreciate if you could do for me."

"And that is?"

"As I said I have been encouraging the outlying villages to voice their complaints about the bandits around the woods, about the bandits I have placed there for this purpose. I had an obnoxiously large group cause trouble around here and other areas to draw attention. As I predicted Arthur sent his trusted knights out to settle the peace. One of them shall be snooping around here to fix everything soon enough. What I would appreciate is if you could cast a suicide spell on him. If Arthur personally sees one of his faithful knights killed right before a big battle he will be disheartened."

"Morgause mentioned that to me once. She said they were tricky though."

"I'm sure you would be strong enough to pull it off. All you must do is boil the ingredients from this packet together and have him charge you the next time he comes into contact with you. If Arthur sees one of his closest, strongest friends get slaughtered he will be devastated and that much easier to destroy. If we can work out all these pieces everything will fall into place perfectly. Do you think you can do it?" Mordred wondered.

"Of course I shall be able to do it. What's in the ingredients?"

"I'm not sure about everything, I know sedative agents to calm the mind like lavender and humulus hops, cured furs from certain animals, and a bear's tooth. A druid made it for me," the teenage boy explained.

"Leave this part to me."

"I thought I'd be able to count on your talents."

They sipped their tea and chatted a bit more about Camelot, magic, and there scheming plans. By the time dusk feel they were both lost in thoughts and ideas, wondering how everything would play out in the end. Both were eager to get it under way and even a bit hopeful that they would really be able to destroy Arthur once and for all this time.

"I must be on my way now."

Morgana stood as he did, "You really think Arthur will disregard his friendship with Merlin because he has magic? I know Arthur absolutely despises it, but they have been friends for a long time now. How can you be sure?"

"I can't be sure of anything really, but I think the fact that Merlin never trusted him enough to tell will hurt him more than anything. We can only hope for the worst scenario to play out. Either way I think Arthur will cast Merlin out."

"When will you come see me again? To tell me of your progress and I of mine."

"Soon I promise you."

They walked out and Mordred un-tethered his horse from its post. The animal shook its head in pleasure of its release and stamped its hooves apparently ready to get going.

"Is that all then?"

"Well there's one more thing I shall tell you before we depart."

"And what's that?"

"Emrys had a dragon that had been helping him, but no more. He will be even more vulnerable than usual, for this I am thankful."

"How do you know the dragon is no longer helping him? And how did you even know a dragon was helping him in the first place?" Morgana questions as she holds the reigns for Mordred to mount up on his bay steed.

"There are many things I know and I know this because I have him trapped," Mordred says while a wicked smirk crosses his features, "Remember Morgana as long as we separate Arthur from his sword, he'll be ours."

With that Mordred kicked his stallion and Morgana watched the horse jump through the trees at a gallop with the young boy's cloak flying behind him like a tornado in the wind.

The witch had much to think about as she went back into her little cottage. She hoped dearly that she could trust this boy and that his plans really were as concrete as he made them sound. If everything worked out in their favor, a big wonderful change would be in order for Camelot and its people. Morgana couldn't help the chuckle that escaped as she thought about all the things she could do as Queen. She started some water boiling again and opened up the package Mordred had left her. As she shifted through the ingredients she made notes of all the objects. It did seem like a rather difficult spell to conjure up but she had had a good teacher so she wasn't too worried. She continued the brewing and took out a jar and vile to put the completed tonics in. Once they were completed, all she would have to do is wait for the knight to come her way. Waiting was such a boring thing sometimes, but when you knew what you were waiting for and what you would get when the waiting was done, it all seemed to be worth it. Morgana could wait a little bit longer to get what she really wanted. That wouldn't be such a terrible thing to wait for. Not at all.


	7. Knighthood

Of Crystal and Rock

Knighthood

"Merlin what are you doing over here?"

I jump up from my crouched position on the floor in the corner and meet Gwen's eyes. This guilt I have just eats away at me every time I see her face. I lose my train of thought because I shouldn't feel this way since she technically brought it on herself, but still I feel as if I have taken something from her. Feeling this way frustrates me to no end but I don't know how to change it. She has no clue about our secret relationship and I can't decide if it's better or worse that way. I'm sure Arthur still has some affection for her and it's obvious she does for him. His love life and her love life, and I suppose my own all rests on my shoulders. If I reject Arthur's continued advances he will most definitely go back to her. Sometimes I wonder if I should give up and have them get back together because it would be a lot easier. Everything would just go back to normal, to the way it was before. But I would probably not be happier with that decision as the outcome to our situation. I must make up my mind quickly so we can all put this behind us, but still I don't know what the correct decision is.

"Merlin?"

"Ah I was looking for woodworm in the floor platforms."

"Woodworm."

I nod.

"In the floor platforms."

I tentatively nod again and give her a wolfish grin. She shakes her head, heaves her laundry basket back on her hip and continues walking. Watching her retreating form for a moment distracts me, but then I look back down at my prize. I know most of the castle is made of stone and granite, and it was pure luck that I happened to be in one of the lower levels; in one of the laundry rooms specifically because there is wood here and my excuse was actually plausible. No idea what I would have said if I was caught somewhere else. I bend and quickly finish up collecting the mice droppings from the corner before I have to answer any other intrigued queries. It's an odd ingredient for a spell I admit, but with anything related to magic I take it with a grain of salt. Or maybe a whole barrel of salt because there are a lot of odd things I've had to do or get now that I think about it. Although I'd rather not think about it, the time in the bog with the water moccasin snake, I shudder and put that thought out of my brain. That was not a fun time at all. I shake my head while taking the stairs up two at a time.

I dash back into Gaius' apartments so I can finish this before he gets back from his rounds. It's early still but I'll need to tend Arthur soon so I want to get this out of the way so I can at least have some shred of knowledge about my friend. It would be a bad thing if my mentor figured out what I was trying to do because he doesn't know I'm still in contact (or was rather) with Kilgharrah. I already have the water boiling over the fire. I've had the damn water boiling for over an hour now and have already added the mustard seeds, a rabbits foot (cured, took me forever to do the other day), gojira berries (which took me about two hours to find in the woods yesterday), a pinch of nutmeg leaves, and can now complete my concoction with the mouse droppings. This is a location spell from my magical book. I have been stressed without being able to speak or get council from Kilgharrah. I never realized how much I appreciated his help until I was denied it. In the back of my mind I keep wondering if something terrible has happened, but I don't want to think about that. What I would have to do without having him as a guide is just too hard to imagine. Seems like everything just hits you all at once in a fiery gust and you try to do everything in your power to stop from burning but it's hard. I may have banked the fire for the moment, but it's lurking at my heels, trying to set me ablaze once again. This is too hard when your ally is missing, your king is frustrated with you, and you just had a really terrible vision that you would do anything to stop from coming true. I take a deep breath because I don't have much time before I have to go serve my infuriatingly wonderful king, so I hurriedly toss the mouse droppings in.

_Poof!_ The smoke is thick and gray and acidic to my mouth. I see nothing but the fogginess in front of me and wonder what in seven hells happened. I blink my eyes and tilt my head but at the moment my limbs don't feel attached to the rest of me. Obviously my locator spell didn't work out exactly as I had planned because I don't see the creature I was trying to find. I move my hand in front of my face but can barely see it through the thickness that just seems to be getting heavier. I'm frustrated and angry because this is something that I really needed and wanted to do right. It was my one chance to find Kilgharrah. Usually I have no issues with my spells or magic so why do I keep messing up royally lately? Surely if the person you are trying to locate is deceased it would give a more definite answer than a foggy nothingness, so my spirit sparks at this last ray of hope. Suddenly to my right I see movement. Like something is moving stealthily towards me. I should want to run in the other direction to get away from it but I don't. Something is drawing me towards the continued motions of the smoke around that area and I wonder for a brief moment if this spell was as huge a fail as was my initial thought. Perhaps it will lead me to what I'm looking for after all. The smoke starts to clear a bit more and I can almost see something. A large undefined shape is lurking behind the cloud. But as quickly as the fog appears, it is gone and I'm left in darkness.

I come to with Gaius' blurry face in front of my eyes. I feel disoriented and as I see his mouth moving I hear no words, but a ringing resounding noise through my ears. From the way Gaius is above me I must being laying flat on my back but I don't remember falling over. My face feels like leather and I attempt to move one of my hands. When nothing responds to my nagging efforts I decide not to even try to sit up yet because I know I wouldn't be able to handle it. I just continue to lay sprawled on the ground trying to make sense of what happened and why I can't think straight. When I regain my breath after a few more minutes of Gaius hovering over me protectively, I sit up unsteadily.

"What happened?"

"Spell," I try to say but a coughing fit takes over instead. My tongue fumbles around in my mouth for a couple more instants, in a most ungraceful way before I can regain control over it. I lean against the table leg and am grateful for the support it gives me. I need to relax for a second and figure out what happened. My eyes flash up to the tabletop with the boiling pot and book on it.

Gaius must have gotten my meaning because he goes to look at the book and the page it's open to. His eyebrow rises as he looks down at me, "It's just a location spell."

I nod because I don't trust my voice to deliver just yet. My sentiments exactly, I think as he continues to stare at the book.

"I never heard of a location spell blowing up in someone's face like this before."

"Well aren't I just lucky then," I rasp out. It hurts like hell, like I just swallowed a tub of some unpleasant burning liquid but at least my throat is working again. I am a bit curious as to how this seemingly simple spell did manage to blow up in my face though. Right when I think things can't get much worse for me, I always seem to get a _delightful_ surprise.

"What were you trying to locate?"

Crap, I wasn't expecting this question. Well it's actually easier to make up a story than my first initial thought because most of the knights aren't around now, "Gwaine. I was just trying to see if it worked since I know where he is. Apparently it didn't turn out so well."

Gaius fiddles around on the table looking at my ingredients and set up, perhaps to figure out what went wrong as I stay on the floor trying to regain my strength. I feel worse than if someone had smashed me with an axe hammer… or a mace (which did happen once before).

My mentor offers me his hand, I can see his intent to help me stand and perhaps get me back into my quarters but as embarrassing as it is, I don't think I would be able to make it that far in my state at the present. So I shake my head in answer and grind out, "I can't move yet."

He seems a bit perplexed by how much this has really taken out of me but he walks away and brings me back a cup of cold water. I am so grateful as I shakily take the cup and bring it to my lips. It tastes heavenly and soothes my raw throat better than I could have imagined. Gaius is impatiently looking around as if trying to think of something to do to help and I realize I should be in Arthur's chambers by now. I don't know how long I've been out but probably longer than I should have been.

I'm not as elegant in my movements as I normally would be (alright fine, I'm never graceful or elegant) but I'm even wobblier than usual. I rest on a chair for a little bit longer until I feel more rejuvenated then head out as Gaius watches me leave, a bit fretfully I think. I probably look terrible. I am glad to have my mentor with me to help. I'm more disappointed with the outcome of my spell than I was before; I must figure out what went wrong and try to fix it. I felt something, there was someone or something coming towards me but then it was as if a barricade was keeping us apart. Definitely not a good sign.

I am on my way to Arthur's room, a slow process after my little incident I must admit, when someone calls my name. Turning around I see Tristan strolling up to me. Stupid useless spell forgotten, my heart leaps as I think back to the battle. Where I saw him amidst the ranks, dressed as a Camelot knight. Every time I have seen him talking to Arthur the past few days I have been thinking this is the time, it must be now that he joins us, but so far it hasn't come. Arthur has not mentioned offering him a knighthood and I haven't seen him inquiring about it either. If I want things to go a specific way I would have to be a little more forceful. Take matters into my own hands, but then I'm used to having to change things to go a certain way.

"I've been looking for you. I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. You're a good and loyal servant, Arthur is lucky to have you."

If only he knew how lucky I think, but my heart drops into my stomach at the other words, "Leave?"

"Yes. Arthur has been as gracious as ever to me, but I've probably over stayed my welcome by now. I have mourned for my beloved Isolde and I must continue what we started together. There are places for me to go and things for me to see."

"You've got to stay at least one more night. You can head out in the morning," I plead as my tender throat protests my imploring tone.

I see him fishing through options or scenarios in his head before he starts to shake his head. He looks at me oddly, probably because I sound pitiful and more aggressive than I usually would.

"Please," I beg and place a hand against my neck to try and stop the painful burning sensation.

I must be more pathetic than even I think because he gives me a surprised and piteous look but relents, "All right Merlin. One more night."

"You won't regret it!"

I make my way to Arthur's room and go in. He is at his desk writing with his feather on some parchments. His blonde bangs are falling over his face and Excalibur is hanging off the chair against his waist. It's good to see him looking relaxed and at peace, if only for a few minutes.

He looks up at my entrance, "There you are. I thought I'd be waiting all day for my breakfast _again_."

I have the grace to look abashed although all those times were definitely not my fault. I was you know, saving his life, saving the _kingdom_, doing magic, or seeing a vision that turned my world upside down, but I suppose none of those excuses would go over well. And then there's of course a spell just blowing up in my face and leaving me reeling but that one definitely won't count either. I keep silent and place the plate of food in front of him, hopefully in a peace offering that will lighten his mood.

He glares at me for a moment then puts the cheese on his bread and starts to eat. He goes back to scribbling and I am thoroughly ignored. Normally I would start cleaning his room but I'm just too exhausted from the morning excursions and trying to figure out what to do about Tristan. It really shouldn't be a terribly shocking thing to suggest a knighthood but sometimes I never know what's going through my king's head.

When he is about done I broach the subject on my mind flippantly, "So it seems Tristan will be leaving soon."

"Hmm."

Not exactly an interested response. I try again and am relieved to feel the rasp finally leaving my voice, "It must have been so hard for him when Isolde passed. And after they agreed to fight with you to help save Camelot. He's a righteous man and good with a sword too."

Arthur puts his quill down and stares at me past his nose as if he doesn't like something, "All right, what's all this then?"

Why is he in such a fiercely bad mood this morning? Have I done something else wrong this week? I look down and don't reply because I don't know what to say. I don't want to bring up the subject if he's in a bad mood and will disregard it right away. But I only have this one day to put the idea in his head and have him make a decision. It appears like I can't do anything right since returning from the crystal cave. Its not that I'm trying to abandon him if that's what he thinks, but there are some things I've got to take care of, things I unfortunately can't tell him about.

He sighs and his tone softens, "I'm not angry Merlin. What is it you wanted to say?"

"Nothing. I was just thinking these stupid thoughts up myself about how maybe Tristan could become a new knight. I mean since Lancelot you haven't really taken to anyone new. I thought perhaps you liked Tristan. It was silly of me to think so. I beg your pardon Sire, I'll take your plate."

I quickly grab his empty breakfast plate and retreat from the room as fast as I can. I've placed the seed now I just need to wait for it to grow. Hopefully it won't take too long because we really only have a day to make this happen.

I've seen the wheels turning in Arthur's head a few times before and he never disappoints. Now is another one of those times. He has thought on the subject all afternoon and after I cleared the lunch dishes he speaks, "It's not a bad idea Merlin. I do like Tristan. I haven't really liked anyone new in a long while. Perhaps that's why the idea hadn't occurred to me before. I'm glad you mentioned it."

"I'm glad it turned out favorably then."

Arthur stands and stretches, he had been writing and signing documents the whole morning, "Just so. I'll go propose the idea now. Let's hope it goes well."

Later that night as Arthur congratulates his newest knight, a seed of doubt flourishes in my mind. Its appearance has me unnerved. If I didn't do what I just did earlier in the day would things go differently? It's so difficult to keep all my thoughts straight lately but if Tristan had left and not joined Camelot, how would that affect the outcome I saw in the vision. I specifically saw Tristan there; that's why I gave the idea to knight him to Arthur, because I wanted him to be there, but was that really the right choice? Just because I saw him there, does it mean he has to be there? Or does it mean that if he wasn't there something could change, possibly better or possibly worse? What other factors do I have control over relating to the things I saw in the crystal cave? If I am the cause of some of those things that occurred, do I have the power to change them as well? It's confusing and leaves my mind wavering with indecision.

"What's the matter Merlin? Isn't this what you wanted?" Gaius whispers to me quietly.

We are at the banquet hall celebrating Tristan's joining and he is holding a large glass of summerwine. Everyone is clinking glasses, merrily talking and laughing and the drunker people are even singing. I was standing alone by one of the pillars and watched my mentor walk over to me. Gaius' question doesn't bring me out of my thoughts but just makes me think on them harder.

Is it what I wanted or was it something that couldn't be avoided? I don't know the answer and that is worse than having it go my way. Maybe instead of working for everything in that vision to be the same I should be working on making it different. If Tristan wasn't there, could it mean a different outcome? Would it mean that I might be there? I wish I knew I truly wish I knew more than I do. If it's the last thing I do I must make sure Arthur has Excalibur, it could possibly mean the difference between life and death.

"You look like you've just seen a ghost," my mentor continues quietly.

"I have," is all I can say before I turn from the room, "A whole lot of them."


End file.
